You make..

my body come alive...

I see. Doesnt it suck when you can finally see?

Had a bad couple of days. Now looking forward to Bicton and not coming home to see my family more than EVER.

Was thinking last night.
About all sorts of stuff:

• Richs Birthday
• Job
  
• Mum and Phil
• Mum and me
• Alex and me
• Rich and me
• Peoples opinions
• Australia
• Bicton and the £255 deposit I need to conjure out of nowhere.

*sigh*

Kill me now. Im just taking up space.

But she kept calling me

insecure.


How was your doctors appointment Aimee? (she hoped he'd say...)
Well I went down there
Waited behind a woman with bad BO waiting for thrush medicine - which, by the way, she wasn't shy about telling everyone in the waiting room I.E ME.
Went in, read half an article about Tina Turner - Can you believe that woman is 69?! Shes bloody gorgeous.
Got called in, chatted for a minute about jobs and college and stuff and then he stuck me on the couch (not like that) and had a look at my hip.
Marvelled at how many moles you can fit on one mans face.
Got told there was nothing he could do, and it should be fine and I apparently have "an excellent range of movement" in both knees and hips ;D
Thennn as I was getting ready to leave he handed me a pee pot and then asked me if I had ever been depressed....

???


Well. I answered this with honesty and made myself seem like a total nutcase when I said it out loud and Im sure I'll be carted away in a weird van to Morchard Bishop Institute for the Mentally Insane.
Picked up prescriptions for mother, went to shop, got squash and milk.
Sorted.


I feel like I dont deserve any thing else shitty to happen to me.
What did I EVER do? To the world, or to anyone when I was younger or whatever to warrant such awful luck with my personal life?

I have a Mother whos track record of relationships is nothing to be admired.
A brother whos a total asshole, only obsessed with big chested women - where did the sweet nice alex go?
No decent Father figure to speak of - Simon fucked off because he didnt want me, Robin fucked us up so much we had to move hundreds of miles away, Andy was there one minute, then gone off with some carol vorderman (and not in her good days) lookalike and her family, and now Phil, Mr fix everything and ill take care of you im the lovable fatty from Luton Town, has given himself in and revealed to mother that hes been cheating on her for two years.
Of course he doesnt know I know.
Mum doesnt even know that I know that much about it she just thinks i think theyre having problems.
And lets not forget the Grandparents - sitting up there where they live, bickering, stressing, breaking caravans, and telling me to ring them if i need to talk to anyone or need help? Why would I want to talk to them? They just tell me to let it all go and that everythings going to be fine and that theres nothing they or anyone can do and that "oh shit happens darling". Then interrupt me to tell Grans lost weight or Grandad's building ANOTHER frickin shed.
And last but not least, my boyfriend. I dont even have words. I love him more than anything and I want to be with him for a very long time. But hey, why would I want to be with someone who cant even keep it in his pants for the next hot girl that walks along. Hey, newsflash sweetie, I might be fucking good in bed like you say but if that's all you're keeping me around for and you really just want to be Mr-Sleeps-With-Everything, you wanna flirt, you wanna be all secretive, then don't keep me around. I'm not fucking having it. Even thought you do love me, you cant have it all your way.

Grrrr.
I'm not depressed.I know how you feel Mr Wang.
Damn that wubberduckzirra.

Cause I am

Whatever you say I am.


Yeh hi. long time no blog.
Listening to Eminem. and various other stuff...

Im back from my break. Ive had a lovely date with Rich. Four hours together including travel and we havent been alone since, excluding sleep. Which doesnt count.

I have decided, I spend too much time worrying about being the best girlfriend ever, and if he doesnt respect me enough to stay faithful and FAITHFUL to me means:

• No text flirting
• No meeting secretly
• No shagging
• No holding hands with another girl
• No kissing another girl

How about reserve that stuff for me?

so yeh, if he doesnt respect me enough to stay faithful then fine.
He can do it :) Because I no longer have the energy or time to be worrying if hes off seducing some slag just because he cant help himself. The events of the last two weeks have just proven to me that no matter how much you try, how many times it happens, it always happens again.

And im sick of it.

So hello world.
My name is Aimee
Im not a fucking doormat.
And Im not letting you or your little army of manslags walk over me any more.

GET IT OUT

fucks sake fucks sake

everythings in my head
im panicking

im not gonna be able to go to bicton
no funding
no ema
parents earn too much
they cant help me though
theyre falling apart
mum hasnt spoken to phil in a week
she has no interest
she speaks to me like im a moron
im going to lose him again
he sleeps with someone else when i tell him nothing and dumps me when he knows everything
nobody wants to hire me
Alex is hacking me off and its not his fault
i hate being hugged or being within a metre of anyone in my family
my grandad is not the angel i thought he was
my diabetes is fucked
im going blind
myheart will fail
im going to lose my boyfriend
i love him
i love him too much to lose him
he hates me
im a nuisance
im being played
i dont know what to think
what does he tell people?!
they all think im a freak
i dont know what to do
and the talking ends here
and
im so scared
i had a future planned out
and now i cant do it
i cant live with her its too much hell hate me again
he hates me
what do i do he really hates me for fucks sake
im a mess
i want codeine
i want codeine so badly
and its upstairs
three would do just three
id be all droopy and fine
i wouldnt even be bothered
just sleep
i cant sleep
scampy doesnt help
nothing does
bollocks
im screwed
no future
no career
family sucks
im screwed and its not my fault.
i must have been so bad in a previous life.
fuckit.

Sigh

hate mother.
want to leave.
need money.
grrrrr.

You'd better watch your step

Shes a diamond on a landmine.

New plan.
Wellkiiiiiindanew.


Get job
Find out about funding, ema, driving lessons, college, accommodation at college.

Go on diet.

Dye hair blonde and get it cut.

Sort out whatever is left of my relationship with Rich.

done.