Faith, Trust...

...and pixie dust.

So ive been drawing this picture.

aaaand this morning I realised that i left my coloured pens at home.
Felt like despairing and throwing a paddy as it is just another thing to go wrong...

then Alex told me Jimmy Sullivan, AKA Avenged Sevenfolds The Rev, died yesterday at his house, of natural causes.

He was 28.

Feel like crying. Lost an amazing drummer, crazy motherfucker and now probably my favourite band.

RIP REV.

Tell me...

Why am I lying here with you every night?



~Ended.
Finished.

And I know you wont read this so here it goes;


I feel better now kinda.

But im sick
This whole thing has made me sick.
And I miss dawn


but I have friends, decent ones


If I dont manage to fuck them all off immensely by christmas!!

Mums next week.
But weight off my shoulders, I can tell you


And if you cant even share a bit of emotion with me to tell me u still love me or not to leave then I should just go shouldnt I?

yes Aimee.

:D



and Carl Perrin makes me lul.
XD

<3

I wont stop...

til youre shaking.


movedrooms.
nice people.
blurgh

Aimee...

wishes she had wings.
And wants a donut now.


xxx


(ps hoodie arrived and its BITCHIN!)

STUPID

EQUINE WHORE.
yer and your little gay friend too!!

steal my quaver and then get shitty with me about it?
FUCK OFF!!

Seriously, little lemur dude...

...get off my leg.


Ohhhhhhh lots of stuff has happened.
Moved out of home.
Started Bicton.
Discovered a lot of new friends.
Loved duties - feeding and cleaning animals basically.
Hung around with a load of cool people, especially Alex and Owain and everyone in Trefusis block.
Gone through one roommate.
Been mega ill.
Got over my fear of snakes and creepies.
Fed a snake. A mouse.
Cleaned a lot of shit.
Literally.

Also, my mum is moving house next saturday, and I have seen my brother once this month.
Im not getting a laptop until i can afford it and have a comfortable amount of money to pay for my room and have food.
but the Samsung N130 is MINE.
In white.

Me and Rich are awesome - nuff said.


I came on here to update and also to rant - so here comes the rant.

WTF IS WITH FRANCINE?!
Francine is a LOVELY girl - Horrible when drunk.
Shes upset because her boyfriend sees other girls when shes here and gets shitty with her - but shes slept in the same bed as two guys since shes been here and AT LEAST made out with at least one.

I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE DO THAT!!!!!!!
I know its her life
But I dont want to associate myself with someone that does that.
Just like Amanda did.
And I ditched Amanda.
Skank.

ugh.
I miss Dawn and Leah and Georgia and being drunk with them.

Aaaand coming in first...

Nate Adams takes the win at Fort Worth.

Red Bull X fighters YES PLEASE.



I love him.
Not LOVE him love him like some people might hint at.
But purely and simply, he is and always will be someone I can tell anything, and is definitely one of my best friends.

Im making decisions now from this moment on, to not let people take advantage.
I know I keep saying it, but I really am doing something about it.

04:04 am. make a wish.

There are three necklaces around my neck and they all mean something to me, and I refuse to let their meanings fizzle away and for these gifts to become completely redundant.

Safety
A new start
And things to come.


If you want to do something with your life, fucking do it - is what Im saying now. Because thats what I have done. Against all my better judgement, I disregarded the screaming voice in my head that told me to chain myself to a simple, easy, completely safe life, and went with my heart.

Now im doing what I want to do, in a few weeks Im going to college to pursue a career that interests me above anything else, Im moving out, I went and got a freakin tattoo months ago and im dying to get another (inviting PAIN) and It feels good.

I was miserable, now Im not.
I dont want a job, but hey ho, need the money and JSA will totally screw me up so Im trying. Anything will do, just train me up and Ill do it!

You want something bad enough, you bloody go for it before you end up like one of those people that sit around, doing nothing.

Surely?

Totally fucked up family now, nobody around to help, and so yet again i got that to deal with. Adulterous wankers, twatty autistic brothers and emotional mothers.
Done it before, so on top of college I will do it again.

And of course meeting the family again next year.
Oh joy.
The revolting family we left behind.
Apart from Richard, and Sally is lovely and Tash is adorable, I will have to deal with seeing Robin, my brothers dad, again.
Something else to look forward to ;)

But as always - Im dealing with it.
And not going insane.

Im a fucking miracle.
And ought to be knighted.

*Deep breath*

AAAAHAHAH...

Had a great time the other night.
But the feelings pretty much gone now ^_^

Dunno if I can...deal with it like a grown up.
Im too selfish.
But they pretty much look the same =]
Yep.
Oh well.
I guess I was being just naive yet again or just too..I dunno...
selfish is definitely the word.

Im too selfish.

Five weeks.
New people.
And I can forget about anything that has worried me.
New life
New everything I guess.
Sucks though.

I cant share.
That made me mondo unhappy
And its cos Im too childish
SELFISH


ugh.
I disgust myself.

On the other hand, I still got him.
And the fantastic return of a friend from the darkness has cheered me up no end.
Just a shame about the other shit really.
To be expected Aimee, to be expected.

Ahhhhh

Oh Aimee youre sooooo annoying. Wipe that STUPID grin off your face, its not THAT cute.


College = paid for so far (fingers crossed)
House = Tidy to the point its like something out of Through the Keyhole
Relationship = mmhhmmh? Nothing to tell.

Stop smiling so much.
Please?
Or at least don't smile for THAT reason.

Caught with your hand...

...in the cookie jar.

Fantasies
Awesome blast from the past
New thoughts
Weird thoughts
Sad times
No sleep
Neurotic Conversations
No Trust
Deep Breathing
Meditation
Artists Block
Missing Chocolate

You make..

my body come alive...

I see. Doesnt it suck when you can finally see?

Had a bad couple of days. Now looking forward to Bicton and not coming home to see my family more than EVER.

Was thinking last night.
About all sorts of stuff:

• Richs Birthday
• Job
  
• Mum and Phil
• Mum and me
• Alex and me
• Rich and me
• Peoples opinions
• Australia
• Bicton and the £255 deposit I need to conjure out of nowhere.

*sigh*

Kill me now. Im just taking up space.

But she kept calling me

insecure.


How was your doctors appointment Aimee? (she hoped he'd say...)
Well I went down there
Waited behind a woman with bad BO waiting for thrush medicine - which, by the way, she wasn't shy about telling everyone in the waiting room I.E ME.
Went in, read half an article about Tina Turner - Can you believe that woman is 69?! Shes bloody gorgeous.
Got called in, chatted for a minute about jobs and college and stuff and then he stuck me on the couch (not like that) and had a look at my hip.
Marvelled at how many moles you can fit on one mans face.
Got told there was nothing he could do, and it should be fine and I apparently have "an excellent range of movement" in both knees and hips ;D
Thennn as I was getting ready to leave he handed me a pee pot and then asked me if I had ever been depressed....

???


Well. I answered this with honesty and made myself seem like a total nutcase when I said it out loud and Im sure I'll be carted away in a weird van to Morchard Bishop Institute for the Mentally Insane.
Picked up prescriptions for mother, went to shop, got squash and milk.
Sorted.


I feel like I dont deserve any thing else shitty to happen to me.
What did I EVER do? To the world, or to anyone when I was younger or whatever to warrant such awful luck with my personal life?

I have a Mother whos track record of relationships is nothing to be admired.
A brother whos a total asshole, only obsessed with big chested women - where did the sweet nice alex go?
No decent Father figure to speak of - Simon fucked off because he didnt want me, Robin fucked us up so much we had to move hundreds of miles away, Andy was there one minute, then gone off with some carol vorderman (and not in her good days) lookalike and her family, and now Phil, Mr fix everything and ill take care of you im the lovable fatty from Luton Town, has given himself in and revealed to mother that hes been cheating on her for two years.
Of course he doesnt know I know.
Mum doesnt even know that I know that much about it she just thinks i think theyre having problems.
And lets not forget the Grandparents - sitting up there where they live, bickering, stressing, breaking caravans, and telling me to ring them if i need to talk to anyone or need help? Why would I want to talk to them? They just tell me to let it all go and that everythings going to be fine and that theres nothing they or anyone can do and that "oh shit happens darling". Then interrupt me to tell Grans lost weight or Grandad's building ANOTHER frickin shed.
And last but not least, my boyfriend. I dont even have words. I love him more than anything and I want to be with him for a very long time. But hey, why would I want to be with someone who cant even keep it in his pants for the next hot girl that walks along. Hey, newsflash sweetie, I might be fucking good in bed like you say but if that's all you're keeping me around for and you really just want to be Mr-Sleeps-With-Everything, you wanna flirt, you wanna be all secretive, then don't keep me around. I'm not fucking having it. Even thought you do love me, you cant have it all your way.

Grrrr.
I'm not depressed.I know how you feel Mr Wang.
Damn that wubberduckzirra.

Cause I am

Whatever you say I am.


Yeh hi. long time no blog.
Listening to Eminem. and various other stuff...

Im back from my break. Ive had a lovely date with Rich. Four hours together including travel and we havent been alone since, excluding sleep. Which doesnt count.

I have decided, I spend too much time worrying about being the best girlfriend ever, and if he doesnt respect me enough to stay faithful and FAITHFUL to me means:

• No text flirting
• No meeting secretly
• No shagging
• No holding hands with another girl
• No kissing another girl

How about reserve that stuff for me?

so yeh, if he doesnt respect me enough to stay faithful then fine.
He can do it :) Because I no longer have the energy or time to be worrying if hes off seducing some slag just because he cant help himself. The events of the last two weeks have just proven to me that no matter how much you try, how many times it happens, it always happens again.

And im sick of it.

So hello world.
My name is Aimee
Im not a fucking doormat.
And Im not letting you or your little army of manslags walk over me any more.

GET IT OUT

fucks sake fucks sake

everythings in my head
im panicking

im not gonna be able to go to bicton
no funding
no ema
parents earn too much
they cant help me though
theyre falling apart
mum hasnt spoken to phil in a week
she has no interest
she speaks to me like im a moron
im going to lose him again
he sleeps with someone else when i tell him nothing and dumps me when he knows everything
nobody wants to hire me
Alex is hacking me off and its not his fault
i hate being hugged or being within a metre of anyone in my family
my grandad is not the angel i thought he was
my diabetes is fucked
im going blind
myheart will fail
im going to lose my boyfriend
i love him
i love him too much to lose him
he hates me
im a nuisance
im being played
i dont know what to think
what does he tell people?!
they all think im a freak
i dont know what to do
and the talking ends here
and
im so scared
i had a future planned out
and now i cant do it
i cant live with her its too much hell hate me again
he hates me
what do i do he really hates me for fucks sake
im a mess
i want codeine
i want codeine so badly
and its upstairs
three would do just three
id be all droopy and fine
i wouldnt even be bothered
just sleep
i cant sleep
scampy doesnt help
nothing does
bollocks
im screwed
no future
no career
family sucks
im screwed and its not my fault.
i must have been so bad in a previous life.
fuckit.

Sigh

hate mother.
want to leave.
need money.
grrrrr.

You'd better watch your step

Shes a diamond on a landmine.

New plan.
Wellkiiiiiindanew.


Get job
Find out about funding, ema, driving lessons, college, accommodation at college.

Go on diet.

Dye hair blonde and get it cut.

Sort out whatever is left of my relationship with Rich.

done.

Dear Blog...

I am writing to you from Richard's fathers sofa, weary and probably slightly dead inside.

The Sims 3 - has failed. My laptop does not meet system requirements and I have to fork out £530 quid for a new one.
This one in fact - LINKYLINK
It is lovely.
But that doesnt help the fact that I have the SIMS THREE, the game Ive been waiting for for a FIFTH OF A DECADE, sitting on my bedside table, boxed again and unusable.

Crabsticks make Richs car smell like the sea. Yum.

Dawn - before you get it go here --> LINKAGE <-- and click "Check System Requirements".
I didnt
And now im screwed until I get a new laptop.
Sob :(

I could sit here and say things are all good with Rich, but everytime I do that it turns out hes cheating on me - yes, there is such thing as emotional cheating you stupid girl who thinks its okay, just because hes not shagging your brains out like he did with someone else, doesnt mean its not cheating.

But I love him and we've had a lovely few days.
Rebuilding.
Shouldnt HAVE to be done but hes worth everything.
He'll get it one day.
I hope.


Im currently watching Twenty20 with Mike, Richs father. Its interesting.
I learned something.
So my day wasnt completely wasted.


Last night was cool. We went out and saw josh and tess and cam and nick and ed and some other guy who didnt speak. Then we took josh and nick and ed and went to the seafront where we bumped into sammy, lewis and tom. It was nice. We went to the Marine, or "Mazzer" as lewis and josh were calling it, and played a game or few of pool. Mim turned up - not so cool. And then tom, nick and josh went into the toilets and seemingly morphed into gooding who came out grinning his head off and stretching. And then JOSIE appeared as well.

I was convincd all these people were just coming through portals in the bogs.
But no.
There was a back door.
meehee.

We went to the beach, Ross was there too. And Mike O.

Sall good.
We didnt stay long. Came back and did stuff.
Dirty stuff.
haha.

Sorry dawn. You KNOW what goes on anyway. :P

loveyou.

Mike just asked me if I wanted cereal and I said no.
And now I do.
Dammit.

Ill go get some.
No html.
Too much trouble when cereal is on the line.

END.



OH BTW DAWN - I can make you tiramisu anytime, you choose where u wanna go mostest!

OHHHHH

FUCK ME SIDEWAYS.

So much to do, so little time and even WORSE - SO little MONEY.

I NEED to plan Dawns Birthday. As the Sims 3 plan went down the crapper as well as my money, I need to do something else. Then theres Valerie's birthday TOO in July, which her own sons told me was the eleventh and it is, in fact, NOT the eleventh its the thirteenth.

So maybe my asking them what to get her for her birthday too was a fat mistake.
So i decided on Tea and a Tea set and hopefully some pictures of her demon children. And the cats and evil hound.

Sooooo. Brodie seems nice enough but Ive learned not to trust anyone in Sidmouth. Mistakes have been made and this time im learning.

Theres something in the water I reckon.
Or beer. Theres a lot of it here.

I have a job thingy today. Not really a formal thing, just a coffee shop. Im going to ask for good hours, five days out of seven and see what they say. If I can earn just 100 quid a week, I will be a happy little bunny. Then I need to set out looking for evening work in a restaurant or something for when I go to Bicton of course.

Might go to makro. I think Chris wants Scampi.
I dont blame him. I like a bit of mini lobster myself.

Oh my GOD it was good. *Thinking to self*
Never have I EVER...oh good lord. Im so selfish. I just wanted more. HA.
Bless the tired boy.

I watched Role Models with Rich last night which was bloody hilarious.
Seriously dawn.


I recommend.
Highly.

Damn. I need to get some acrylics and a huge canvas. Soon.
In need of a masterpiece.

Cannot be botheres to edit anything in this post.
Maybe a little...

Let me get my...

feet warm.

Have just found out why hes so...weird with relationships.
She fucked him up - thats the one the one hes been texting and stuff.

It makes me think.
Maybe there is more to his texting that I thought.
I dont think...Ill ever be able to hold a candle to her. Because...they just...theyre so close. He loved her and she screwed him up and he STILL loved her and i dunno. He still talks to her and now that connection they have is ruining US and I dont know.
I dont know.
I dont know.

ARGH.
I know he loves me.
But those texts were no joke.
I know it.

I dont fucking trust anyone any more and its Sidmouths fault.

How the hell...

Did your mother get my cellphone number?

Haha. Two and a Half Men, is indeed, a programme I would recommend. Comedy Central. Channel 126. Pretty much every couple of hours.

But watch out for Re-Runs. Re-Runs kill me.

I had...the nicest day today. I spent it with Rich, and it wasnt like it was intended to be a particularly "special together" day out - it was lovely, just not like "oh we're going to go out today and spend a whole day together and DAMN WELL ENJOY IT!" - But it was just so nice and for want of a better word, coupley?
I dunno. It just felt nice.

We got up really late, ate breakfast together, then we went to Exeter :)
We went to CEX to try and exchange his phone but they gave us a shoddy excuse about the condition of it so they didnt change it.
So we went to Superdrug, got make up, then Primark and nearly threw up at the sight of the queues, and then we got ice cream ^_^
And went to Halfords...narrowly missing an encounter with my Mother as the first car in the Guildhall carpark we saw on the way out was in fact hers.
Then we went to Pets at Home and ran into Sam, and then Tescos, and bought a phone and a t-shirt :)

We had a wicked day. Now he's at work and im watching Futurama with his brother Chris ^_^


Ohh yesterday I quit my job at the pub - i cant hack it as a local barmaid - and spent a good part of the evening with some Wonky lads. It was funny. Ross + S-Club 7 is more than funny...as is watching Finn try and work out how his hands work and watching him enjoy the feeling of Bambi legs walking down the stairs trying to use the ceiling as support.

Man im hungry and i want Phish Food. Its the nicest I think. Or Cookie Dough.
Should have gone to tescos.

Mums gonna flip when she learns of my job quittage. But hey. Its not her life.
:)
End

You two relax and shake hands...

"Shake THIS!"
Hahahah
I love American Pie 2. It sucks watching it without my Rich though. Hed like it.
I hope the lovely Val is okay.
:(

Im cat sitting. I got bored of my mother and I got to town, met Rupert, caught up, bought an eminem album and got on a bus and came to Newton Pop.
I love it here.
I love the cats :D
Theyre so damn funny.

I needed quiet time. My definition of quiet time is no family, loud music - in this case, a decent blast of obscenely abusive lyrics from the delightful Eminem. Turns out Jumble liked it too.
I recommend "Kim" - its sick an twisted and totally awesome if u know the words XD

I have a couple of weird things to think about - Penises. Now, I find ALL penises revolting. I cant stand looking at them, theyre just...ew. Except my boyfriend's. I like his. I dont mind it at all - although i have been instructed never to call it "cute" again.
Apparently its bad to do that?

So do guys think the same thing? Are all other penises except their own horrid? or is the other way around and they cant stand the sight of their own manhood? Or do they feel the same about vaginas?

Oh i dont know what got me onto this subject. I just thought about it today in a ridiculous conversation with my penis AND vagina possessing friend in Essex.

OKOKOK AND
What about Libraries? Libraries are there to encourage people to read and open peoples minds and stuff and yet, if you bring a book back late they expect you to give them MONEY? I mean, if someone else wants to read the book, they can reserve it and read another one in the meantime? If libraries were REALLY encouraging people to read more and stuff they wouldnt charge. Which just proves how naive I am in thinking they were good people. BUT NOOOO. Just another load of twats.

Oh god, im turning into one of those people that hates everyone.
Shit.

Like My grandad and my boyfriend. They hate everyone. Well. Not so much hate, just disagree and get angered by.

Into the Ocean, it has just occurred to me, is another song you ought to listen to. It describes, mostly, how I feel at this point in my life generally. Its by blue october and I love it.

Anyway, enough rambling.
I love Dawn. It has to be said.

End.

Apple bottom jeans...

Boots with the fur?
ugh. fur.
Soo

havent written in a while.
I had a savage night on Friday. After me and Rich had talks the other day, I told him I thought it would be a good idea if we had a break for a bit as me being around clearly has a negative effect on him.

SO i figured it would be cool for us to not see each other for a bit and be sensible about it - he had work evenings and could see his mates in the day and I would just sort my living arrangements and job out.

But then we were meant to see each other briefly on Friday. But we didnt. I sat around a lot that day and thought a lot about bad things.

A text from Mike was all it took to get me all riled up and wanting to go out and get plastered. So I did.
It would have been alright if Georgie hadnt rung me. Skank. There were mean texts exchanged and people egging me on, and then I rang Rich.

Big mistake. I was on the phone for an hour and a half, being abusive and horrible and basically spilled my guts about everything. How I felt, how he made me feel etc. He ended up coming to get me. It sucked big time.

We're okay now. I think...hope. If things dont get better then I dunno where we'll go. I hope if anything goes wrong we'll always be friends. Like last night he said if we ever broke up then he wouldnt want it to be over anything stupid like a little disagreement or one of us doing something stupid and everything being bitter and unfriendly.

Hope things are sorted now.



Had a wicked time with Dawn the other night though. Was awesome. Drunkenness and anal sex talks.
What can I say.
I felt obliged.

mahah.

Yeah we only want a beat...

We can drum to.


Yes thats right, I am a BAD friend.
BAD AIMEE.
BAAAAD!!

Lol. I kid. Im a good friend.
Im just not YOUR good friend.
Moron.

found a place to live.
Might have a job today.
Would be awesome.

Would be able to move in this week :)

Yay ^_^
And Dawns allowed over for sleepovers.
Awesome.

Bicton College here I come!
Heehee.

It better all come together.

I miss you dawn.
:(


AAAnd due to a sudden DROP in my finances i cant even buy the sims 3 :(

I might die if i dont get it.

Joined by the Jonas Brothers

lol
what an episode
I love South Park


I met a guy today who actually thought that it was alright for people to sexually abuse five year olds.

Amy told him he should pray for his soul and then had to drag herself away.
Was bad.

Sicko.

Nelly I...

love you...
Dilemma?
Yes. Kelly and Nelly. or Nelly and Kelly whichever floats your dinghy.

I got a call from Andy Noble. He said he wasnt my Andy. But unfortunately for him im not a moron and I know it was him. First contact in six years.
Bizzarre.
And Disappointing actually, I honestly thought he wanted to talk to me.
I know it was him.
Never mind though eh.

My left thumbnail is considerably bigger than my other one.

I met Dawn yesterday. We had awesome times. Mcdonalds is definitely the motherland for us. Golden Arches for EVERR

New plan.

Quit job, get new job, move to sidmouth, go to bicton college next september.
Wicked.

Im really cold
Hmm.

I need a hug too.

I have to go in a minute.
Gayray.


love to all.

Touching each other inappropriately?

this is TOTALLY awesome.
I cant wait.
heehee

and i heart will and grace.

And I would...

Hold every part of you that I could...hold.

Yesterday I started work at Home Fundraising. I was absolutely bricking it when we were sat around for ages. I practised my pitch, it sounded good, everyone said it did anyway.
Then we went to the destination.

DESTINATION: PLYMOUTH.

Yes thats right, and I can honestly say I havent been to a scummier place in my life' Id rather have spent the day trawling Burnthouse lane dressed as Barney the Emo Dinosaur than knocking on peoples doors looking like a radioactive midget.
Green jackets - not so fetching.
AAANYWHO. Yesterday I encountered just about enough twatty people than I could handle, some woman that made me cry, an "unbreakable" car (honestly, has nobody SEEN Titanic?!), and a LOT of rain and a TON of rejection.
I hate Plymouth apart from the city centre, Aquarium and Cap'n Jaspers.
I got one sign up which wont even be a proper sign up because it was only £5 a month.
I needed £8 which is a bit pooey.

Never mind.
I finished work at nine, and got back to Richs mums finally at five past midnight.
Exhausted, wet and demoralised.

I like my job though.
:)


I spent most of yesterday morning with my sexy best friend and we went to Mcdonalds and ate and it was awesome. I even threw in a comical thumbs up when stood in the queue waiting for salt and tommyketch. Thats right. Im being a freak today. Then we planned a painty day which is going to be fantastic. We just need a sunny day and lots of paint, paper and white clothes to make it even MORE so.

Rich is buying us Chinese tonight. I really cant wait :)
I wrote a list of stuff I want to spend my money on. I need basic things really. Then bigger things later (bedsit, car etc).

If i even last long in this job!
Huff.

xx

LOST

I have a job now.
I have a Rich.
Ill be earning around 300 squids a week.

So why am I crying?
Why do I feel like this again?
Everything is going fine! Theres no reason for me to be so scared and so, SO sad.
I want Richard to come home. Brother Richard.
Im scared he wont come back.
I will miss my own Rich too. Working will interfere so so much. I need to get just enough money and then leave.
I think training proved im going to be good at it.




So why am I like this?




Turn on shuffle; fire at will.

Out your MP3 player oc choice on shuffle. Answer the following questions
with the TITLE of the song.
What is my goal in life?: Collide
What is my best achievement so far?: Downfall of us all
How will I die?: I can see clearly now
My epitaph will read:: Monument
My motto in life is:: Signal Fire
Last night I dreamt about:: Dont stop believin *yeah, thats right, JOURNEY*
The first thing I thought when I woke up was:: How to save a life
Peoples' first impressions of me are:: Winter
If I was made world leader, the first thing I'd do is:: PUMP IT!! oh yah dahlink.
How would I describe myself?: Wake up
My favourite past-time is:: twenty twenty surgery
When I look in the mirror, I see:: waiting for the world to change
I feel like:: cute without the 'e'
Now answer the questions with the FIRST LINE of each song.
I woke up this morning and said:: And if you could make up for every single time...
While I was in the shower, I sang:: Im missing you so much, I'll save you die tonight...
My boyfriend/girlfriend rang me and said:: How do I, get through a night without you..?
So I replied:: I never knew, I never knew that everything was falling through...
I missed my bus, and was so angry I shouted:: In the light of the sun, is there anyone?.
While I waited for the next one, some guy came up to me and said:: Out the door, just in time, headin down the 405, gotta meet the new boss by 8am... :)
When the bus arrived, the conductor told me:: Wouldnt it be nice if we were older and we wouldnt have to wait so long?
By the time I arrived in town, I was thinking:: Hey darling, I hope youre good tonight, and I know you don't feel right when im leaving...
I saw someone I knew, so I waved to get their attention and called:: Workin all day for a mean little man with a clip on tie and a rub on tan, hes got me running round the office like a dog around a track and when i get back home youre always there to rub my back...
I went into a cafe and ordered:: Pressure, pressing down on me pushin down on you...
A charity worker asked me for a donation, and when I said no they said:: No one knows what its like to be the bad man, to be the sad man behind blue eyes...
Some guy/girl started flirting with me, and said:: Youre lipstick is calling dont bother angel, I know exactly what goes on
To which I replied:: We were both young when I first saw you, I close my eyes and the flashback starts, Im standing there...
Then their girlfriend/boyfriend appeared and screamed at me:: youve got to get better said, its all in your head
But before I ran away, I yelled this in return:: who said that i wasnt right, and ive been for years without a lie
I only just caught the bus in time, and sat down thinking:: I cant get to sleep, i think about the implications
Some kids were playing their music really loud, so I turned round and said:: I sing it one last time for you...then we really have to go
Someone sent me a text which read::
As I walked home, I tripped over and banged my knee. It hurt so much I said: I should know...who i am by now
I had a near-death experiance because of it and God said to me:: look at this photograph, everytime i do it makes me laugh
Then he asked me what I wanted most and I said:: Lets go girls...CAMOOOWWNNN :)
When I got home, my hamster said:: shes a pretty girl, shes always fallin down, and i think i just fell in love with her...
I went to bed, and the last thing I thought was:: this television has a poison on its breath
With your player still on shuffle, list the next 10 artists that come up
(no repeats):
#1:: Saliva
#2:: Alesana
#3:: Shadows Fall
#4:: Nickelback
#4:: Sugarcult
#5:: Children of Bodom
#6:: August Burns Red
#7:: Blink182
#8:: A Day To Remember
#9:: Silverstein
#10:: John Mayer
Now answer these questions (without shuffle).
Out of these, which is your favourite band?: A Day To Remember.
Have you ever seen #4 in concert?: two fours...and i havent SEEN either but i stood outside sugarcult. i love being a rebel.
Do you own any merchendise by #9?: No.
Have you met any members of #2?: No.
Do any of your friends like #10?: Yeah.
If #1 was to do the soundtrack for a film, what would the film be about?: I dont care - if it includes dave batista im there..
What's your favourite song by #8?: The danger in starting a fire?
What's your favourite album by #3?: I don't have any of their albums.
When/where was the first time you heard #7?: I cant remember where...i must have been lving in stoke...maube early devon...i heard all the small things :) long time ago
What do you like about #6?: That britney cover :P
How long ago did #5 form?: HAYJIZZ
Put your player on shuffle again and list the first 10 SONGS (and artists)
that come up. No song repeats.
#1:: Love Story - Taylor Swift
#2:: Collide - Howie Day
#3:: Winter - Joshua Radin
#4:: Under Pressure - Kill Hannah
#5:: Hey Julie - Fountains of Wayne
#6:: Boston - Augustana
#7:: New American Classic - Taking Back Sunday
#8:: Signal Fire - Snow Patrol
#9:: Run - Snow Patrol
#10:: Over my head - A Day to Remember
Out of these, which song is your favourite?: Over My head - ADTR
If you had to choose one, which would you play at your funeral? Why?: Hey Julie, purely because the first sentence mentions a mean little man, and my name isnt Julie :)
How about as a first dance at your wedding? Why?: Uhm blatantly got to be UNDER PRESSURE. i mean, it was in SCRUBS.
How does #1 make you feel?: Angry for liking that song...
Does #9 remind you of anyone?: Yeah, Pezza.
Do you like to singalong to #6?: No i just listen. Why? cos i DONT KNOW THE WORDS.
Tell me your favourite lyric from #2:: The dawn is breaking, all light shining through, youre barely waking but im tangled up in you...
What kind of music is #7?: Rock? But its an acoustic version i like so it doesnt sound it
If #8 was used in a movie, what scene would it portray?: Something sad. Like a small child being lost in morrissons. no wait thats funny. iunno.
Have you got any other versions/mixes of #5?: No.
What is the best part of #10?: It reminds me of my Richard.
Does #4 have male or female vocals?: Male.
Has #3 ever been played on the radio?: Maybe. I hope so. its awesome.

Im tangled up in you...

Howie Day - Collide. Makes me wanna cry.
Lol.
:(

He said I am the most important thing to him :)
He said he ruvs me werry lots. <3
I just want everything to be good between us. The last thing I want is to let him go or vice versa, and hes changed his mindset about stuff and realised how important to him I am, his feelings for me have only gotten stronger, he's realised how happy he is being with me and he wants to know stuff now and look after me when things go wrong.

He makes me so happy I don't have the right words.
I love him.


This job thing is starting to grind me. But i have an appointment at connexions today so it will all be good. Hopefully for gods sake I need a job.

231 squids a week sounds pretty.

Dawn, that fifth paragraph is bollocks and you know it. You know you have me, and that im not going to leave you high and dry ever. Even on days when im late, I still turn up even if I fear for my own life. If you dont think you're inportant to anybody else in this world, then Im telling you now, as a complete and utter certainty, you are important to me. More than important. You are one of the most important things to me and a friend I never want to and never will lose.
I simply refuse to.

I know you didnt mean it...

TBS. Good band.

=/

If i had three wishes.
Id be screwed.
LOL

Waiting...

Waiting on the world to change!

Well heres my plan ^_^

Living coasts got back to me and said I need qualifications to work as a trainee keeper, so thats out of the window.

Get a job in SOMETHING. Hopefully Julian Graves will be good.

Sort my personal life out. Stop having random breakdowns and stuff.

Start saving for my manta tattoo.

Hopefully save for download, if not, so be it.

Get a driving license.

Make it to 19th birthday.


There. Perfectly reachable and reasonable goals.

:)
Smiles.

"This doesnt hurt " she said...

...Ive finally had enough.

Awesome song. Many memories. If I had just carried on listening to the song rather than taking out my headphones to talk to and get to know the blonde hottie that sat next to me in the morning maybe certain things wouldnt have happened to me in the last year.

But if I had carried on listening, and not done what I did - I sure as hell wouldnt have had all those amazing happy times and felt so awesomely loved and wanted too.

But let me make this clear - And this is for those so called "people who just care" about my best interests.

Hurt is a part of relationship....Its not meant to be all Peaches and Cream. Sometimes theres maggots inside the peaches and theyll eat you from the inside and then when you finally get down to it, finally decide to open up, there are surprises galore and not good ones.

I swear to god...If i cant trust him, if he does this again and breaks his promise to me, if he text flirts and is just being more careful, I wont take it.

He says he cant lose me. He says it.
But he says a lot of things when hes trying to protect himself.

I want him to show me. And if his being only eighteen makes him think he doesnt need to be faithful and that he doesnt want to put up with it then so be it. He will lose me if it happens again.

So let this just be a message for you - Im not as spineless as everyone thinks. I know whats best for me, and the only person whos opinion I will ever consider is my best friend's, and I only have one of those and shes called Dawn and shes better than everyone else because she understands the way my mind does or doesnt work. You can tell me to leave him, stay with him, set down ground rules, change him, change me, I dont care what you think. Im not going to act on someone elses instruction when something I regard as very special could be on the line.

So there.
I said it.
Stop treating me like a tiny glass mouse.

Because im not made of glass and I am no mouse.

Tonight...you are...

..everything. Gotta love a bit of Alesana.

Everything is getting better. Rich and I had the nicest time the other night and all doubts were wiped from my mind about anything - yes doubts, but not caution so not to worry - and I havent been so happy in a long time.

However last night I ruined the continued euphoric mood by letting out a comment that apprently made me come across as spiteful. I am not a spiteful person. I didnt even mean anything by what I said, I was just saying it. But then it made him think I want him to change, when Ive told him a million times I love him the way he is - minus the ideas about relationships. Well anyway, I wrecked the night, cuddles werent really on the agenda.

Ive decided I want to go to Download, and I wont go without Dawn. So getting arse in gear and getting the money to possibly pay for us both would be a good idea. If we dont go we can have our own festival cos everyone else in the WORLD will be at this one.

My Tattoo is itching like a MOTHERFUCKER and I think bits are starting to come off it. This makes me sad all day.

Im missing Dawn a lot, and Im having to illustrate...no DEMONstrate amazing WILLPOWER not to eat that fucking easter egg. Its sitting there just begging to be eaten.

Job hunting not going so well. Im not trying hard enough if Im honest but I have an incentive now. I got an email from Living coasts which made me nearly pee my panties with excitement. I also applied to PC World! For why? I not know why.

I also feel it prudent to mention that my Mother cannot possibly love me. My brother Alex returned from the depths of Somerset yesterday and the first thing he said when he came in was that he was going to tell Mother that he got an A and an A* in a school subject that he doesnt even TAKE. So she would give him money. U_U WELL. SHE believed him and NOW hes getting £45?!?!? FOR SOMETHING HE DIDNT EVEN DO?! End of Mother Daughter relationship I think. When I did MY GCSEs I got 25 quid spent on me, so I want an explanation or Im going to cut up her quilt, put mayonaise in her blusher and push her down the stairs.

LOVE ME DAMMIT. End.

Newcastle Rang...

They want their accent back.

Barclays rang me yesterday. Wasnt Jamie Westwood at all, it was a geordie man fom Newcastle. But i rated Jamie as "very satisfactory" just because he let me get the money out and laughed at my jokes. Legend.


I cant walk properly =/ theres something wrong with my foot and its horrid. It sucks.


ON THE OTHER HAND I GOT MY TATTOO!!!
Well. Not on my hand, on my right hip.
Its totally awesome and I LOVE it and everything and oooooooh its so pretttyyy hehe

I miss my Dawn a lot. Every time i consider eating her easter egg, I hit myself and say "NO!" like DeLonge style and i just miss her more. See cos she loves Blink...and Tom..never mind.
Im having no luck on the job front. It sucks a lot.

Definitely..

...dont know why I stay.

Pretty sure hes still doing it.
Oh well.

Warhol's Words:

"They say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself"

I wanted a quote about change to start off this Blog. Because this, however anybody sees me and my life, is the beginning of a change.

I will no longer wait around for the world to adapt to me, for opportunites to come to me, or for anyone or anything to change for me.

I have woken up recent mornings feeling as though my life is no longer worth living. I have tried to take my own life twice. Everything feels like an effort.

I worry about my best friend, if she is okay, what shes thinking, if shes worrying too much.

I dont know whether or not i can trust him properly, and it's killing me wondering whether or not Im good enough for him. We're very different people, we grew up differently, we've been through different things and had different experiences of everything from high school to hospital. His views are very different from mine, and his opinion is always harsh when I ask for it so I tend not to tell him things because I dont want to feel bad. But this is just the way he thinks and deals so I just...take it. I feel inadequate next to all of his friends and unattractive next to people. He and I apparently, as I have found out, have very different views about how relationships should be.

People have told me that if he loved me enough, no matter what I said that he wouldnt have slept with anyone else, even if I did suggest the open relationship. That he wouldnt have tried to get someone else to sleep with him.

I should be good enough.

But Im not. He says I am, but how can i believe that? He was lovely, and careful, and I never believed my paranoid self the whole time - I just thought I was coming across as stupid and suspicious and distrusting. Well. As it happened it turned out I am not stupid and I was right and I was made to feel stupid, and awful and like a horrible girlfriend.

All that came out of it was that I lost a lot of friends, and my boyfriend? Well. I dont know. I dont know how he really feels because I dont know if hes telling me the truth or not. He always makes me feel bad for mentioning stuff and I dont know why he has to do that. Hes very much in control of this relationship. I dont think thats entirely right... I spent most days with him the first year we have been seeing each other and now Im having to learn to let him go a bit. Because otherwise he's just gonna go off with other people, flirt with other people, sleep with them. Who can blame him. I dont want someone that takes me for granted, Ive done the wrong thing and by trying to be everything to him, doing stuff for him whenever he asks (just little things) and being totally in love and whipped, driven him away to other people.

Its really hard to let go :(

I had delusions about us being together for a long long time, partly helped along by him wanting to sit through the argos catalogue and look for things "if we get a house together" and him telling me he wanted me forever and him telling me he would never cheat on me and that we would always be together.

Those delusions have gone now.

Im slowly coming to terms with the fact that he will one day leave me.

So rather than sit around and wait for it to happen, I have to make the most of him being around.

And if...or when...he cheats on me again.

I will leave. And I doubt very much that he will see me again.

And when that time comes, I will need some sort of life for myself.

Im going to shed the image that everyone has of me, Im not a horrible person.

I am worth it.

I am a nice person.

I am mature, I just have a childish side, like most people.

I need self respect which I do not have.

I will improve myself

and my life

and I wont sit around waiting for shit to happen

Like always