LOST

I have a job now.
I have a Rich.
Ill be earning around 300 squids a week.

So why am I crying?
Why do I feel like this again?
Everything is going fine! Theres no reason for me to be so scared and so, SO sad.
I want Richard to come home. Brother Richard.
Im scared he wont come back.
I will miss my own Rich too. Working will interfere so so much. I need to get just enough money and then leave.
I think training proved im going to be good at it.




So why am I like this?




Turn on shuffle; fire at will.

Out your MP3 player oc choice on shuffle. Answer the following questions
with the TITLE of the song.
What is my goal in life?: Collide
What is my best achievement so far?: Downfall of us all
How will I die?: I can see clearly now
My epitaph will read:: Monument
My motto in life is:: Signal Fire
Last night I dreamt about:: Dont stop believin *yeah, thats right, JOURNEY*
The first thing I thought when I woke up was:: How to save a life
Peoples' first impressions of me are:: Winter
If I was made world leader, the first thing I'd do is:: PUMP IT!! oh yah dahlink.
How would I describe myself?: Wake up
My favourite past-time is:: twenty twenty surgery
When I look in the mirror, I see:: waiting for the world to change
I feel like:: cute without the 'e'
Now answer the questions with the FIRST LINE of each song.
I woke up this morning and said:: And if you could make up for every single time...
While I was in the shower, I sang:: Im missing you so much, I'll save you die tonight...
My boyfriend/girlfriend rang me and said:: How do I, get through a night without you..?
So I replied:: I never knew, I never knew that everything was falling through...
I missed my bus, and was so angry I shouted:: In the light of the sun, is there anyone?.
While I waited for the next one, some guy came up to me and said:: Out the door, just in time, headin down the 405, gotta meet the new boss by 8am... :)
When the bus arrived, the conductor told me:: Wouldnt it be nice if we were older and we wouldnt have to wait so long?
By the time I arrived in town, I was thinking:: Hey darling, I hope youre good tonight, and I know you don't feel right when im leaving...
I saw someone I knew, so I waved to get their attention and called:: Workin all day for a mean little man with a clip on tie and a rub on tan, hes got me running round the office like a dog around a track and when i get back home youre always there to rub my back...
I went into a cafe and ordered:: Pressure, pressing down on me pushin down on you...
A charity worker asked me for a donation, and when I said no they said:: No one knows what its like to be the bad man, to be the sad man behind blue eyes...
Some guy/girl started flirting with me, and said:: Youre lipstick is calling dont bother angel, I know exactly what goes on
To which I replied:: We were both young when I first saw you, I close my eyes and the flashback starts, Im standing there...
Then their girlfriend/boyfriend appeared and screamed at me:: youve got to get better said, its all in your head
But before I ran away, I yelled this in return:: who said that i wasnt right, and ive been for years without a lie
I only just caught the bus in time, and sat down thinking:: I cant get to sleep, i think about the implications
Some kids were playing their music really loud, so I turned round and said:: I sing it one last time for you...then we really have to go
Someone sent me a text which read::
As I walked home, I tripped over and banged my knee. It hurt so much I said: I should know...who i am by now
I had a near-death experiance because of it and God said to me:: look at this photograph, everytime i do it makes me laugh
Then he asked me what I wanted most and I said:: Lets go girls...CAMOOOWWNNN :)
When I got home, my hamster said:: shes a pretty girl, shes always fallin down, and i think i just fell in love with her...
I went to bed, and the last thing I thought was:: this television has a poison on its breath
With your player still on shuffle, list the next 10 artists that come up
(no repeats):
#1:: Saliva
#2:: Alesana
#3:: Shadows Fall
#4:: Nickelback
#4:: Sugarcult
#5:: Children of Bodom
#6:: August Burns Red
#7:: Blink182
#8:: A Day To Remember
#9:: Silverstein
#10:: John Mayer
Now answer these questions (without shuffle).
Out of these, which is your favourite band?: A Day To Remember.
Have you ever seen #4 in concert?: two fours...and i havent SEEN either but i stood outside sugarcult. i love being a rebel.
Do you own any merchendise by #9?: No.
Have you met any members of #2?: No.
Do any of your friends like #10?: Yeah.
If #1 was to do the soundtrack for a film, what would the film be about?: I dont care - if it includes dave batista im there..
What's your favourite song by #8?: The danger in starting a fire?
What's your favourite album by #3?: I don't have any of their albums.
When/where was the first time you heard #7?: I cant remember where...i must have been lving in stoke...maube early devon...i heard all the small things :) long time ago
What do you like about #6?: That britney cover :P
How long ago did #5 form?: HAYJIZZ
Put your player on shuffle again and list the first 10 SONGS (and artists)
that come up. No song repeats.
#1:: Love Story - Taylor Swift
#2:: Collide - Howie Day
#3:: Winter - Joshua Radin
#4:: Under Pressure - Kill Hannah
#5:: Hey Julie - Fountains of Wayne
#6:: Boston - Augustana
#7:: New American Classic - Taking Back Sunday
#8:: Signal Fire - Snow Patrol
#9:: Run - Snow Patrol
#10:: Over my head - A Day to Remember
Out of these, which song is your favourite?: Over My head - ADTR
If you had to choose one, which would you play at your funeral? Why?: Hey Julie, purely because the first sentence mentions a mean little man, and my name isnt Julie :)
How about as a first dance at your wedding? Why?: Uhm blatantly got to be UNDER PRESSURE. i mean, it was in SCRUBS.
How does #1 make you feel?: Angry for liking that song...
Does #9 remind you of anyone?: Yeah, Pezza.
Do you like to singalong to #6?: No i just listen. Why? cos i DONT KNOW THE WORDS.
Tell me your favourite lyric from #2:: The dawn is breaking, all light shining through, youre barely waking but im tangled up in you...
What kind of music is #7?: Rock? But its an acoustic version i like so it doesnt sound it
If #8 was used in a movie, what scene would it portray?: Something sad. Like a small child being lost in morrissons. no wait thats funny. iunno.
Have you got any other versions/mixes of #5?: No.
What is the best part of #10?: It reminds me of my Richard.
Does #4 have male or female vocals?: Male.
Has #3 ever been played on the radio?: Maybe. I hope so. its awesome.

Im tangled up in you...

Howie Day - Collide. Makes me wanna cry.
Lol.
:(

He said I am the most important thing to him :)
He said he ruvs me werry lots. <3
I just want everything to be good between us. The last thing I want is to let him go or vice versa, and hes changed his mindset about stuff and realised how important to him I am, his feelings for me have only gotten stronger, he's realised how happy he is being with me and he wants to know stuff now and look after me when things go wrong.

He makes me so happy I don't have the right words.
I love him.


This job thing is starting to grind me. But i have an appointment at connexions today so it will all be good. Hopefully for gods sake I need a job.

231 squids a week sounds pretty.

Dawn, that fifth paragraph is bollocks and you know it. You know you have me, and that im not going to leave you high and dry ever. Even on days when im late, I still turn up even if I fear for my own life. If you dont think you're inportant to anybody else in this world, then Im telling you now, as a complete and utter certainty, you are important to me. More than important. You are one of the most important things to me and a friend I never want to and never will lose.
I simply refuse to.

I know you didnt mean it...

TBS. Good band.

=/

If i had three wishes.
Id be screwed.
LOL

Waiting...

Waiting on the world to change!

Well heres my plan ^_^

Living coasts got back to me and said I need qualifications to work as a trainee keeper, so thats out of the window.

Get a job in SOMETHING. Hopefully Julian Graves will be good.

Sort my personal life out. Stop having random breakdowns and stuff.

Start saving for my manta tattoo.

Hopefully save for download, if not, so be it.

Get a driving license.

Make it to 19th birthday.


There. Perfectly reachable and reasonable goals.

:)
Smiles.

"This doesnt hurt " she said...

...Ive finally had enough.

Awesome song. Many memories. If I had just carried on listening to the song rather than taking out my headphones to talk to and get to know the blonde hottie that sat next to me in the morning maybe certain things wouldnt have happened to me in the last year.

But if I had carried on listening, and not done what I did - I sure as hell wouldnt have had all those amazing happy times and felt so awesomely loved and wanted too.

But let me make this clear - And this is for those so called "people who just care" about my best interests.

Hurt is a part of relationship....Its not meant to be all Peaches and Cream. Sometimes theres maggots inside the peaches and theyll eat you from the inside and then when you finally get down to it, finally decide to open up, there are surprises galore and not good ones.

I swear to god...If i cant trust him, if he does this again and breaks his promise to me, if he text flirts and is just being more careful, I wont take it.

He says he cant lose me. He says it.
But he says a lot of things when hes trying to protect himself.

I want him to show me. And if his being only eighteen makes him think he doesnt need to be faithful and that he doesnt want to put up with it then so be it. He will lose me if it happens again.

So let this just be a message for you - Im not as spineless as everyone thinks. I know whats best for me, and the only person whos opinion I will ever consider is my best friend's, and I only have one of those and shes called Dawn and shes better than everyone else because she understands the way my mind does or doesnt work. You can tell me to leave him, stay with him, set down ground rules, change him, change me, I dont care what you think. Im not going to act on someone elses instruction when something I regard as very special could be on the line.

So there.
I said it.
Stop treating me like a tiny glass mouse.

Because im not made of glass and I am no mouse.

Tonight...you are...

..everything. Gotta love a bit of Alesana.

Everything is getting better. Rich and I had the nicest time the other night and all doubts were wiped from my mind about anything - yes doubts, but not caution so not to worry - and I havent been so happy in a long time.

However last night I ruined the continued euphoric mood by letting out a comment that apprently made me come across as spiteful. I am not a spiteful person. I didnt even mean anything by what I said, I was just saying it. But then it made him think I want him to change, when Ive told him a million times I love him the way he is - minus the ideas about relationships. Well anyway, I wrecked the night, cuddles werent really on the agenda.

Ive decided I want to go to Download, and I wont go without Dawn. So getting arse in gear and getting the money to possibly pay for us both would be a good idea. If we dont go we can have our own festival cos everyone else in the WORLD will be at this one.

My Tattoo is itching like a MOTHERFUCKER and I think bits are starting to come off it. This makes me sad all day.

Im missing Dawn a lot, and Im having to illustrate...no DEMONstrate amazing WILLPOWER not to eat that fucking easter egg. Its sitting there just begging to be eaten.

Job hunting not going so well. Im not trying hard enough if Im honest but I have an incentive now. I got an email from Living coasts which made me nearly pee my panties with excitement. I also applied to PC World! For why? I not know why.

I also feel it prudent to mention that my Mother cannot possibly love me. My brother Alex returned from the depths of Somerset yesterday and the first thing he said when he came in was that he was going to tell Mother that he got an A and an A* in a school subject that he doesnt even TAKE. So she would give him money. U_U WELL. SHE believed him and NOW hes getting £45?!?!? FOR SOMETHING HE DIDNT EVEN DO?! End of Mother Daughter relationship I think. When I did MY GCSEs I got 25 quid spent on me, so I want an explanation or Im going to cut up her quilt, put mayonaise in her blusher and push her down the stairs.

LOVE ME DAMMIT. End.

Newcastle Rang...

They want their accent back.

Barclays rang me yesterday. Wasnt Jamie Westwood at all, it was a geordie man fom Newcastle. But i rated Jamie as "very satisfactory" just because he let me get the money out and laughed at my jokes. Legend.


I cant walk properly =/ theres something wrong with my foot and its horrid. It sucks.


ON THE OTHER HAND I GOT MY TATTOO!!!
Well. Not on my hand, on my right hip.
Its totally awesome and I LOVE it and everything and oooooooh its so pretttyyy hehe

I miss my Dawn a lot. Every time i consider eating her easter egg, I hit myself and say "NO!" like DeLonge style and i just miss her more. See cos she loves Blink...and Tom..never mind.
Im having no luck on the job front. It sucks a lot.

Definitely..

...dont know why I stay.

Pretty sure hes still doing it.
Oh well.

Warhol's Words:

"They say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself"

I wanted a quote about change to start off this Blog. Because this, however anybody sees me and my life, is the beginning of a change.

I will no longer wait around for the world to adapt to me, for opportunites to come to me, or for anyone or anything to change for me.

I have woken up recent mornings feeling as though my life is no longer worth living. I have tried to take my own life twice. Everything feels like an effort.

I worry about my best friend, if she is okay, what shes thinking, if shes worrying too much.

I dont know whether or not i can trust him properly, and it's killing me wondering whether or not Im good enough for him. We're very different people, we grew up differently, we've been through different things and had different experiences of everything from high school to hospital. His views are very different from mine, and his opinion is always harsh when I ask for it so I tend not to tell him things because I dont want to feel bad. But this is just the way he thinks and deals so I just...take it. I feel inadequate next to all of his friends and unattractive next to people. He and I apparently, as I have found out, have very different views about how relationships should be.

People have told me that if he loved me enough, no matter what I said that he wouldnt have slept with anyone else, even if I did suggest the open relationship. That he wouldnt have tried to get someone else to sleep with him.

I should be good enough.

But Im not. He says I am, but how can i believe that? He was lovely, and careful, and I never believed my paranoid self the whole time - I just thought I was coming across as stupid and suspicious and distrusting. Well. As it happened it turned out I am not stupid and I was right and I was made to feel stupid, and awful and like a horrible girlfriend.

All that came out of it was that I lost a lot of friends, and my boyfriend? Well. I dont know. I dont know how he really feels because I dont know if hes telling me the truth or not. He always makes me feel bad for mentioning stuff and I dont know why he has to do that. Hes very much in control of this relationship. I dont think thats entirely right... I spent most days with him the first year we have been seeing each other and now Im having to learn to let him go a bit. Because otherwise he's just gonna go off with other people, flirt with other people, sleep with them. Who can blame him. I dont want someone that takes me for granted, Ive done the wrong thing and by trying to be everything to him, doing stuff for him whenever he asks (just little things) and being totally in love and whipped, driven him away to other people.

Its really hard to let go :(

I had delusions about us being together for a long long time, partly helped along by him wanting to sit through the argos catalogue and look for things "if we get a house together" and him telling me he wanted me forever and him telling me he would never cheat on me and that we would always be together.

Those delusions have gone now.

Im slowly coming to terms with the fact that he will one day leave me.

So rather than sit around and wait for it to happen, I have to make the most of him being around.

And if...or when...he cheats on me again.

I will leave. And I doubt very much that he will see me again.

And when that time comes, I will need some sort of life for myself.

Im going to shed the image that everyone has of me, Im not a horrible person.

I am worth it.

I am a nice person.

I am mature, I just have a childish side, like most people.

I need self respect which I do not have.

I will improve myself

and my life

and I wont sit around waiting for shit to happen

Like always