PB

Stands for all sorts of good things...
Pauls Boutique
Peanut Butter
....Palmer-Brown haha :\

Like a rollercoaster is the only way i can explain it - adrenalin fuelled thrill, nervous at first, getting more and more nervous and then you get up and over that hill and its over too soon, leaving you wanting to go and do it all over again. *sigh*

What else does it stand for?
Pariah Bitch?
Proper Bummer?
Please (dont) Bother?

Well I cant say anything to anyone without upsetting somone it seems. So I guess thats just great.

Am I really that insensitive? and Blind? That I cant see what comes out of my mouth is so upsetting that it warrants people not talking to me? Because apparently thats so. Think i might just shut up now, because when everything is lovely I always seem to be the one that ruins it, and it must be me because im the one being ignored. By more than one person (Y) Thats just...thats great.

Because everyone wants to be isolated at Christmas and New Year right? Yeh its really lovely. Cheers.

-_-

???
What have I done? I dont understand.

Raaaa

Rant over. :)

Going to feed the ducks and hopefully not kill one. ^_^

xxxx
<3

Grow the Fuck up.

I can't make everyone happy, and Dad said its important to know that you CANT, always make everyone happy.

But its been been nearly two months now. If it carries on like this I may just have a nervous breakdown, shave all my hair off and start singing "oops I did it again" in the middle of the swansgate wearing a burmese python as a scarf.

Stop being like this.

It was going to be like this eventually anyway and how would it be any different if I got to know them before now or in the future?
Its not even different now. Im still here, youre still there and Im still not moving. I STILL dont see you and you STILL dont see me. You dont tell me how youre feeling, and when you do you make me feel like shit about it.

Well here it fucking is. I am not, and never WILL be sorry for wanting to get to know my Dad. And though I didnt not expect to be welcomed into their family, I HAVE been and I love them like they've been there all along.

I have never said that they are better than you, it is just different. I have never said that I am "swapping" as you put it, I want to get to know them and I enjoy being a part of their family as much as I have enjoyed and will continue to enjoy STILL being a part of our little family.

It is not exactly a secret that me and you have had our ups and downs, and we have had arguments before but you know what? This time I didnt do anything wrong. You may have a problem with my Dad, and vice versa - but I refuse to think the same way you do, I NEVER got the chance to know him before and so far it's been more than awesome.

I dont know what to say to you. Its fucking hurting, I took a huge risk that I knew could possibly hurt our relationship and I hoped to the moon and back that it wouldnt. But Im afraid that it has and Im not even seeing it.

I dont know what to say. But if I lose you... Im sorry but it isn't my fault.
I love you.
And I will never say this to you.
Please get over yourself.

Do you...

Ever wooooonderrrr....


Erm. Have you ever felt like, everything is just crashing around you but youre the only one who can see and feel it and everybody else thinks youre overreacting.

Mum feels like she losing me as far as I can gather but I feel like I lost her. Alex never speaks to me any more. I feel like im almost betraying mum and Alex by seeing Dad Candy Josh Matt and Danny. But I think Ive been made to feel like that.

And my gramma and grampa dont want to meet me. :(
They think im not Dads
because mum said so.
:\

Oh life, What HAPPENED to you.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FOR FUCKS SAKE WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!??!!?!
What is with my FAMILY??
Liars, Cheats, Dysfunction, Psychos and its turning me into a mad person and I cant do this anymore its fucking killing me!!!!
I get told im fat, I get treated like im ten, wrapped in cotton wool so nothing will ever happen to me WELL like in the awesome film FINDING NEMO if nothing happens to me NOTHING WILL EVER HAPPEN TO ME.
LET ME BE ME!!!! FOR FUCKS SAKE STOP ITTT!!!
LEAVE ME ALOOOOONE!!!!
I hate myself.

Waiting...

Waiting on the world to change.

Well it has, and I made it change.
For the better might I add.

Sooo I havent posted in a few weeks. Basically....

Im still jobless.
Still Carless.
Still flatless - but living with Nannyy :)

Ive been to the doctors and gained weight and my cholesterol is too high.
I have more blood tests tomorrow.

Oh yes and Ive gained four brothers a stepmum and my Dads back :)
YES.
Its TRUE. :D
And how chuffed are you Aimee you say?
Very chuffed I say.
More than chuffed. :D
Hes lovely!!!!!!! Theyre ALL lovely!!!

So Mum isnt happy. I dont know what I can do to make her happy, shes crying all over the Gaff but lets be perfectly honest here and take a step back.

Yes, Robin was a "dad" to me for nearly eight years but he isnt MY Dad is he? People yo yo in and out of my life for years and years and I never even got the CHANCE to know my real Dad and now I do and Im happy, theyre really happy and mums the only one not happy about it.

It was GOING to happen no matter what, Im nearly twenty for fucks sake. No I dont want to live in Essex, I want to get a life, get a home of my own, a car, a job and I want to stick it here - Ive heard what Dad was like after she left with me and I do not intend on leaving.

Im standing my ground - I always have, its me. I wont go back on my word to my Daddy, and leave again. I cannot do that to him, or Candy, or Josh or Matt and Danny.
And I wont do it to myself.

But yeah. The last week has been Epic. :)
xxxxxxxx Much to report.
Will leave it for a bit.
Ceeb with html.

I wanna

know your name.
I have discovered Love in the unlikliest of places and for things I never thought Id love...
Love Life - Club in Wellingborough, such a laugh
Love in Family - Jade I dont know why weve seen each other only a few times over the last nineteen years but Im glad its changed. LoveYaCuz.IDo
Love the Swedish House Mafia - :D
Love Lava - Club in Northampton OMGGGGGZ Epic Win to infinity and beyond.
Love in a Jagerbomb - no more needed.
Love friendly people!!

Phwoar. Lottalovin.
Also on the menu:
Amy is back soon so i can ring her - served with a smile
MY Amy is back from cornwall and we had a lovely chat earlier - served with generous portions of grinning
Rich got his face bashed by some boy in a fight yadda yadda - served with worry and regret, best accompaniment is cheap vodka.
....and for dessert - Aching. All over from a bottomless jug of dancing.

the general update

ok so it took a while. But ive recorded some days... aaaand not posted so here they are.
Things are just getting bad.
Im actually crying haha
LOSERKID moment.





actually after careful thought im just going to post this and the most recent one and WRITE what happened inbetween.

Im still texting the ex. Ouch. It hurts. He makes me feel funny.

I went clubbing and had an amazing time with my cousin, ive been to her friends house and had chinese, ive missed my gorgeous husband George :( a lot. Ive had blood tests. they were shit. i got a call from the doctors telling me theres something up. I have been thrown up on, thrown up, been concussed by a toilet door being wielded by my cousin...wounded myself in front of sam on webcam and ive missed my friends.

Ohhh not much really.

And WHEN I went downstairs...

HE WAS WATCHING PORN!!

LOL.
Had a good night :) Jade Abbie Tina and Uncle D came over :) sat in the garden chattin for ages, Jade picked my outfit for Friday night! :D LBD and Black platforms. NICE.

Rich has been texting me today :) I like talking to him...still talks about sex all the time though. I made it perfectly clear nothing is going to happen whilst hes still with his girlfriend and to be honest Im not entirely sure what to think.
I do love him. A lot. Im not sure im entirely over him. Or over him at all. I just blocked him out, all the feelings, the memories and I try so hard not to think about him. I dont want to get hurt again.

It will finish me if it all happens over again.
But Im a different person now. I can see him and not expect anything ever. Im not a pushover any more.
I want to see...and I dont want to see.

Oh goddd I want him so bad lol.
That is NOT a good thing.
Always wanting what I cant/shouldnt have...

*sigh*
What happened to the simple life?
no html CBA.

Three words

wont save us.


BASICALLY.
I got drunk last night.
By myself.
As you can see from the past two videos.
Absolutely tragic, I admitted a LOT of feelings. For Rich. And boy2.

Well, Boy2 is now completely out of the picture - Fuck that! What a FOOL I was to get involved with him. Moron.

Rich however...
Well.
I dont know WHAT to think.
He broke my heart over and over, and I STILL havent given up on him. Just because I shoved those feelings, bottled up, to the back of my mind doesnt mean that theyre gone.
And apparently, he can bring them all back, uncorked, flooding the front of my mind.

Oh. Dear.
Out of the frying pan, into the fucking volcano.
Nothings gonna happen whilst he still has a girlfriend. No. I cant do that, as much as I want her to suffer (BITCH) Im not reeeeeally that type of person now am I?
am I?
no.
Im not.

I swear if we meet up and hes still with her he can have a hug and nothing else.
No.
Im not a carpet, im not his sex slave and I shant be walked all over again.


Got a giant marker today. And a copy of titanic for three quid. FACKIN BARGAIN.

I fell apart...

...at the mere mention of ur name

fairy kightt

tuned ottttt XD im wakerrerd..

Well...

if you didnt WANT me to cook the stupid fucking sausage and mash, you should have told me!! Instead of asking me to do it, then getting shitty with me and then interfering when I clearly had it sorted!!!!!!!!!!!

Jeeeeeeeeesus.
Fuuuucking.
Chrriiiiiist.

Cant wait to come back to Devon sometimes.

Oh memories. Theyre so fun to think about!!! Lol. Talking to Boy2. I never really know what to say to him. What I WANT to say to him I CANT. So I must seem like a right antisocial twat sometimes.
He liked the thing though. Was good apparently :)

another success in putting a smile on my face Boy2 well done.
xxx

Scream my lungs out..

and try to get to you.
What a FARKIN tune.
So this video below is for Mr S Hall himself. Said I would.
So I did. >.<

And heres todays blog :)

FMLX3

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
FMLFMLFML.

OOOHHHHHHH

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!

RANT TIME.

I need to stop getting myself into these situations. I really do. Stop going on her profile and checking.

Do I WANT to see his lying cheating conniving SMUG ASSHOLE FACE?

yes. Thats why I do it. SHOULD I? No. Definitely not.

There was a moment, one shining fucking moment when that boy made me complete. Something nobody else had done, he took the pieces of me and then stuck them back together and i was HAPPY.

Then slowly but surely, he picked and picked and picked until all the pieces were so....fragile that when the last blow came, I shattered. And yet even though HE was at fault, and I thought I was going insane and I thought it was my fault I STILL feel...pain. Actual physical pain when I think about him or anything we did together or just...anything...:'(

That boy has literally broken my heart.

Then. Boy 2 comes along. Yes Boy 2 will do.

Oh goddd where to start. Well THAT moved fast.

Anddd im hung up on someone who really just doesnt want to know. Hes completely intoxicating, frustrating, and SO complicated. Im confused as hell with him, he creeps into my mind and the thought of him makes me smile, the thought of him smiling makes me smile even more and the thought of us...well...you know...I wont even go INTO that.

Only person I ever had feelings like these for were Asshole boy.

And I only got over those feelings a couple of months ago...when i met Boy 2.

Shit.

He doesnt know just how much I care and how much it hurts all at the same time. If my head was a cake, we'd all have food poisoning.

Jeez.ARGH. What do i do? Nothing. Theres nothing I CAN do. Whatever was there, i dont know if there were really any feelings on his part, its gone isnt it? He...He will never feel the same way.

And it blows.

and even when your hope is gone...

move along.
time to move on and get on with it i think.
Starting by getting completely bladdered so i dont remember any of today, tomorrow.
:)

Sigh.

FFS

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

shiiiiit.

:(


and wtf?
"wants to get to know you better"?

oooookaayyy.....