Warhol's Words:

"They say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself"

I wanted a quote about change to start off this Blog. Because this, however anybody sees me and my life, is the beginning of a change.

I will no longer wait around for the world to adapt to me, for opportunites to come to me, or for anyone or anything to change for me.

I have woken up recent mornings feeling as though my life is no longer worth living. I have tried to take my own life twice. Everything feels like an effort.

I worry about my best friend, if she is okay, what shes thinking, if shes worrying too much.

I dont know whether or not i can trust him properly, and it's killing me wondering whether or not Im good enough for him. We're very different people, we grew up differently, we've been through different things and had different experiences of everything from high school to hospital. His views are very different from mine, and his opinion is always harsh when I ask for it so I tend not to tell him things because I dont want to feel bad. But this is just the way he thinks and deals so I just...take it. I feel inadequate next to all of his friends and unattractive next to people. He and I apparently, as I have found out, have very different views about how relationships should be.

People have told me that if he loved me enough, no matter what I said that he wouldnt have slept with anyone else, even if I did suggest the open relationship. That he wouldnt have tried to get someone else to sleep with him.

I should be good enough.

But Im not. He says I am, but how can i believe that? He was lovely, and careful, and I never believed my paranoid self the whole time - I just thought I was coming across as stupid and suspicious and distrusting. Well. As it happened it turned out I am not stupid and I was right and I was made to feel stupid, and awful and like a horrible girlfriend.

All that came out of it was that I lost a lot of friends, and my boyfriend? Well. I dont know. I dont know how he really feels because I dont know if hes telling me the truth or not. He always makes me feel bad for mentioning stuff and I dont know why he has to do that. Hes very much in control of this relationship. I dont think thats entirely right... I spent most days with him the first year we have been seeing each other and now Im having to learn to let him go a bit. Because otherwise he's just gonna go off with other people, flirt with other people, sleep with them. Who can blame him. I dont want someone that takes me for granted, Ive done the wrong thing and by trying to be everything to him, doing stuff for him whenever he asks (just little things) and being totally in love and whipped, driven him away to other people.

Its really hard to let go :(

I had delusions about us being together for a long long time, partly helped along by him wanting to sit through the argos catalogue and look for things "if we get a house together" and him telling me he wanted me forever and him telling me he would never cheat on me and that we would always be together.

Those delusions have gone now.

Im slowly coming to terms with the fact that he will one day leave me.

So rather than sit around and wait for it to happen, I have to make the most of him being around.

And if...or when...he cheats on me again.

I will leave. And I doubt very much that he will see me again.

And when that time comes, I will need some sort of life for myself.

Im going to shed the image that everyone has of me, Im not a horrible person.

I am worth it.

I am a nice person.

I am mature, I just have a childish side, like most people.

I need self respect which I do not have.

I will improve myself

and my life

and I wont sit around waiting for shit to happen

Like always